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| With a tear in my eye and the cops hot
on my trail, I was forced to leave my beloved homeland and you, my beloved
audience. But fear not, the dingo is not dead! Our dear friend,
Mark Burnett, is hard at work, preparing to torture sixteen more fame-hungry
brats, this time in beautiful downtown Kenya.
But the Dingo is way ahead of him. I am currently sunning myself on the balcony of a lavish clifftop estate overlooking the "secret location." Secret, my furry brown ass! With all these helicopters, generators, and camera trucks, all we need is a bright red neon arrow blinking the ever so subtle "You Are Here." The barbie is stoked, the beer is chilled, and I'm salivating like my dear Uncle Pavlov! |
| Behind the Scenes Photos!!! - Catch a glimpse of what I salvaged from a "directionally challenged" tabloid photographer, my portrait (courtesy of the Australian Authorities), and the start of the witch hunt that forced the unexpected retreat from my beloved homeland. |
| 10. | "I am a very kind, honest, straight-forward, creative, artistic, vulnerable person." ~ Jerri |
| 9. | "We've had to replace that photo several times." ~Kel, referring to the "Jerri Dartboard" his buddies fashioned. |
| 8. | "Go F**K yourself!" ~inmate to Deb |
| 7. | "It's so awesome, because I got like a famous guy on my shirt." Girl with Rodger's autograph What's his last name again? |
| 6. | "Nick? Was Nick on Survivor?" ~Deb |
| 5. | "Alicia Calloway ... We just don't see eye to eye ... I think it's a height thing." ~Kimmi |
| 4. | "Certain decisions like 'should I pose for Playboy or not pose for Playboy'things like that, are a huge pressure." ~Amber |
| 3. | "The only thing that comes to mind when I think of Kel is 'socially inept.'" ~Colby |
| 2. | "What was the deal with Michael and the pig?"
"He killed it, and we ate it." ~radio show caller and Jeff |
| 1. | I still have to muck out my own donkey stall. ~Mad Dog |
| 10. | Amber sitting on her bed with her frighteningly large collection of stuffed animals. |
| 9. | Michael's "religious awakening." |
| 8. | Deb crying. |
| 7. | Replay after replay of Elisabeth crying. |
| 6. | Clips from Jerri's "independent" films. |
| 5. | Jeff talking about Alicia's ass. |
| 4. | Kimmi. |
| 3. | Mitchell's music video. |
| 2. | "I was with my husband twenty years ... He died ... I fell in love with his son." ~Deb |
| 1. | Mad Dog singing in her tanning bed, wearing a bikini. |
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| Well, folks, the fat lady has sung.
The finale of Survivor: The Australian Outback, leaves this dingo
hanging his head in shame. TWO! TWO! I got TWO FREAKIN'
prediction right! Damnit, Cowboy, why didn't you go with your Machiavellian
gut? Nooooooooooo. You had to pick "the most deserving" one.
I did, however, predict the demise of both Nick and Elisabeth. Let's
not forget that, people!
As expected, the live broadcast of the announcement of the winner was anti-climatic at best. Crikey, I thought I was at a Height Ashbury love-in for a second there! We were robbed of any chance at a Sue/Kelly outburst! No raw emotion! No hateful glances! We'll never get to see the two losers, dirty, hungry, and bitter, hug the winner, barely able to force the bile back into their shrunken stomachs! Well, hate to eat and run (I love that Texas BBQ), but the long arm
of the law has reached its scrawny little fingers into my secret lair.
I have been forced to leave my beloved homeland and go on a walkabout.
I hope you'll join me.
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Baramundi camp is washed away in a flash flood. |
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Elisabeth's hair falls out. |
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Colby's abs. |
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Michael talks through the Vicadan, telling his tribe, "You know what to do." |
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"I have forgiven Jerri. I have. But I don't like her." Kel |
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Kimmi's masturbation stories. |
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Alicia going medieval on Kimmi's ass. |
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Mad Dog removes her teeth before eating a creepy crawly. |
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Colby douses Jerri with a bucket of water after she screwed up a challenge. |
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Michael's bloodlust culminates in the early demise of a "wild" pig. |
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Michael's skin floating in the river as he tried to soothe his hands. |
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The "extra" episode. |
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"The Ballad of the Bowel Movements" after the tribe bid on food during a reward challenge. |
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Amber. |
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"Peas" proposing to "Carrots." |
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"Tearjerker" moments. |
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Mad Dog and Tina singing in the river. |
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Jeff's sunglasses. |
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Colby's ultra creepy relationship with his mother. |
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Visa: The official card of Survivor |
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| A DINGO CAN BE WRONG... |
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Week 8 - The Meek Inherit the Outback |
It seemed a sure thing... She was conniving, smart, and just friendly enough to lure the other schmucks into her tangled little web. But, alas, she proved to be too much of a threat. To quote... "the women are afraid of her. The men are afraid of her." How many times did I say, "Get Colby on your side?" At least my girl got voted off with props. Though this dingo weeps, it's time to move on. I'm sure Alicia would have wanted it that way... |
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WEEK 1: Does anyone in this cast know how to spell their own
name??? Debb? Rodger?
Kimmi? Elisabeth? Hooked on Phonics, people! That Debb chick was really annoying. I ate her. |
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WEEK 2: I don't care what Kimmi says, cow brain rocks!
We mock what we don't
understand! I heard Kel had beef jerky... so I ate him. |
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WEEK 3: It gets lonely in the outback, and that Jerri/Colby
thing was just the ticket!
Don't get me wrong, watching humans get jiggy with it is like watching a Discovery Channel special at three in the morning, but a dingo has needs. Anyway, Maralyn caught me "pinching the platypus," so I had to eat her. |
| WEEK 4: That pig was mine, damnit! I chased it!
I cornered it! Then Michael goes all
"Lord of the Flies" on its ass! Anyway, that wus, Mitchell, begged to get kicked off, so I had to eat him. |
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| WEEK 5: Well, Jerri was spread-eagle on the sacrificial alter,
but it looks like Kimmi got
the ax. I'd smile if I had lips. It was only a matter of time... Sure she stunk like a drunken wallaby, but Dingoes aren't exactly know for their discerning taste. |
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| WEEK 6: I don't quite know what to say. I'd actually
grown fond of the big pig-killing
galute... But, Mike, you really have to be a special sort of stupid to fall asleep in the fire. Passed out, my furry brown ass! |
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| WEEK 7: He was annoying as a koala bear (I hate those fuzzy
little buggers!), but he was
also Alicia's strongest ally. Though I felt for her loss, I must admit, eating that whiny voiced idiot gave me the weeist bit of satisfaction. |
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WEEK 8: Why Alicia didn't grab Colby by the balls and ride
that cowboy until Jerri bled is
beyond me. In some ways she was too much of a threat, but obviously she wasn't strong enough. Now the power play really begins. |
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It's what I call a "Cracker Jacks" episode. The prize is an extra episode. You know it's going to suck, but you eat the whole damn box, frantically anticipating that waxy paper packet at the bottom, and when you finally get it, you find a temporary tattoo of Papa Smurf. |
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WEEK 9: May I have a moment to myself please... WOO HOO!! YIPEE!! THERE IS A GOD!! Hmm hmm, sorry. I was getting a sinking feeling in my gut that she just might win. We all hated Richard too. But did I mention, WOO HOO!! YIPEE!! THERE IS A GOD!! |
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WEEK 10: Finally! The Dingo gets one right. Though the votes were all over the place, it was Nick's lazy ass that shuffled across the bridge tonight. But this dingo finds himself a tad nostalgic for the days of strong, well fed, fame hungry Americans. |
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WEEK 11: Well I guess the "wishy-washy" technique failed. Go fig. |
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WEEK 12: Poor, poor Kentucky Joe. Kinda reminded me of my own Pap - minus the fleas and razor sharp fangs, of course. But he did have that wiry fur. Ahhh, good ole' Pap. He was pretty tasty too. |
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WEEK 13: Anyone who thought for a single moment that Elisabeth wasn't going to get voted off is a friggin' idiot. |
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WEEK 14: Mark Burnette has never pretended to have integrity. We all know this week's episode was just a feeble attempt to squeeze one more week out of the May sweeps. |
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IMMUNITY: Colby wins. Of course... What the hell were you thinking?!?!?! Choosing Keith was a sure win!!!!!! Ah, well... I got a sweet piece of meat out of the whole deal. Colby proved to be a VERY satisfying meal. God bless Bud Light. |
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THE TRIBE HAS SPOKEN: See caption above... Dingo is bitter and uncomuniticive. |
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THE WINNER: It's okay. I'm not a big fan of saline implants anyway. Very salty. |
| KUCHA | OGAKOR | ||
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ALICIA: Sweet, yet tough. A strangely erotic taste. | AMBER: Due to my unfortunate incarceration, I was unable to taste this lovely. I'm sure she was delicious. |
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DEBB: Something unnatural going on here... Had to clear my palate. | COLBY: DAMN! That's one fine piece of steak! |
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ELISABETH: Sweet outer coating and a crisp refreshing center. Not really my cup of tea, but not a bad meal. | JERRI: Bitter and stringy with a sour taste. But, by crikey, it's the best meal I've had so far! |
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JEFF: Almost choked on those damn sunglasses... Had to self administer Heimlich... Left useless corpse for the equally useless hyenas. | KEITH: One would think a chef would tasted better... |
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KIMMI: Mmmm. Cornfed. You know there's a reason most carnivores feast mainly on veggie-heads. | KEL: Somewhat tough. Strong smoky flavor. |
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MICHAEL: Overcooked. | MARALYN: Not quite dog... flavor hard to describe. Overall, a tasty meal. A tad gristly. |
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NICK: Do I have to round up another pig for these people? Here's an idea, why don't you EAT those grasshoppers instead of feeding them to the fish! | MITCHELL: What the --? There's not an ounce of meat on this guy!!! Jesus, people, throw me a bone here! Oh, I guess you did. |
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RODGER: Smoky, aged flavor. | TINA: Congrats, hon. You have escaped the dingo's wrath. |
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VISIT THE OFFICIAL "SURVIVOR" WEBSITE! OTHER SURVIVOR LINKS |
| This is a private, unofficial, "Survivor" fan page. There is no association with CBS, its affiliates, or company holdings. Views and claims held here are from my own fractured mind and in no way reflect or represent the views and/or claims of CBS, its affiliates, or company holdings. If you have a problem with what you see, do us all a favor and look up "humor," "satire," or "sarcasm" in the dictionary, conveniently located at a bookstore near you. |
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Hotline to Hell |